Monday, September 15, 2014

“Boy”, “Toilet” and “Poop” humor

I have it. Always have. If you think Will Farrell, John C. Reilly, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Steve Carell or Vince Vaughn are funny, then we would probably get a long. 

If spending an evening guesting on Dr. Steve Brule’s show sounds fun, then you would like me. I have stupid humor, it’s brutally dry, usually borderline offensive and always unapologetic.

My mom had Crohn’s Disease since I was born. She was always very very sick. I moved from many different homes of family, teachers, heck even a convent took me in as my dad is disabled also, and I could be a handful! When my mom was home from the hospital she was constantly crapping her pants. Every where we’d go, crapolla. We learned to make fun of it, joke, make light of every situation. I know this disease annihilated my mother’s self esteem… Even as a small child I picked up on that. But our humor, laughter and stupidity made it tolerable.

Have you ever noticed some people just don’t “get it?” Lol… I do EVERY DAY!

All week long on Twitter I’ve been messing with people. So many of my wrestling buddies “get it” and respond with dry, quick humor that I cherish. Friday night I chose @ScottyMcCreery. We were talking about him and I just decided to post stupid stuff. I seriously had tears running down my face, as my band mate did an impromptu iPad photo-shoot at our hotel.

It was terrible. Horrible stupid pix that no one in their right mind would think I was being serious taking. Lol.

Well, some peeps in the McCreery camp didn’t think it was funny. One woman told me to “Stop with my porn sh!t” Bahaha. Good Lord maybe she doesn’t get out much? With all the “Porno” online, I think I’m a far cry… Have you seen my butt? Lol. It wouldn’t make it in those fine cinemas for 2 sec flat!

As I read the “HATE” being tweeted back, more tears came! “Hate Hate Hate!” I felt like I was in a Chappelle Playa Hata’s Ball episode! But it was because if they had ANY idea, just how funny and completely stupid most of my family are… well, they’d see the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Bahaha.

So I will leave you with this: For those of you who “Just Don’t Get It…”
I’m sorry for your loss… of HUMOR!

This is another impromptu front yard photo shoot my dad and I just decided to do my last visit home. After packing up my recently desist mother’s clothing for charity you find yourself empty, lost and drained. You put these clothes into anonymous empty brown card board boxes knowing you will never see these items someone you love, loved and wore. Words can’t explain it. But we managed to save a wig or too and even a big black furry hat. And with my stupid, not right, irreverent sense of humor, THIS is what happened…

Peeps, LAUGH! SMILE! REJOICE! Find the “funny” every chance you get. My terminally ill mom lived to be 82. That was no accident. She sustained her life through being just flat out RIDICULOUS! And I’m proud I have the sense of humor I do. Because I come by it SOOOOO honestly!

And? If you don’t think I’m funny, well, I really don’t care. Because on ANY given day, the people who matter to me the most DO! That’s YOU! When making some stupid and UGLY selfies I posted, THIS is what you all decided to BLESS me with! 
And THIS is why I love you!

XXOO #GoldyKnows •  

#GoldyKnows #GoldyLocksRocks #Ellen #GoldyLocksBand #JimmyFallon #HGTV #TLC #ChelseaLately

Monday, September 8, 2014

Fantasy vs Reality. My Little Hypothesis

Today truly brings a conclusion to a life long hypothesis I’ve had kicking around for a long time. Basically it goes like this; Get off your but and try = SUCCESS.

It’s pretty obvious isn’t it? Well if it is why don’t more people do it?

OK. READ this part with an OPEN mind ok? I’m not BASHING football! Lol. Just saying LISTEN to what I’m saying! Ha ha

I will share something personal, but it won’t make me popular with some of you. But I speak my mind here only to get you to think about my point. I have a hard time going to sporting events. I always have. You’d never know by looking at me, but I was actually pretty good at sports growing up and played many in school. I’m driven and extremely competitive. So why I have a problem with events isn’t the actual sport… it’s always been the people who sometimes become consumed.

Each year we see everyone rally, route and support his or her favorite teams. We spend billions of dollars on games, paraphernalia, T-shirts, jerseys and even fantasy football. Sometimes I wonder just how MUCH those tickets to the Super Bowl cost? What’s the most someone has paid? I’m really curious…

I see how a team for so many people become all they talk about, post about, look forward to and perpetuate. But in the back of my head I wonder this; what if at EVERY game, be it little league to the World Series, there was a donation jar? Or an electronic way of giving just ONE dollar extra per person? What if every year America voted on a cause? A platform? Even helping out our own homeless in our back yard?

We all make fun of these people. We make comments. We judge. But I’m not talking about the people who dress nicer than I do, holding a sign on the corner. That's not it. I speak of the ones that just live under a bridge with nothing. Do you know most have no family? Are mentally disabled? Or many are just physically handicapped. How the hell are they supposed to even try and work when they don’t have an address or a mind to function?

There was a man in Los Angeles I would visit every week. No legs, arms were to the elbows. He had his eyes somehow just sealed shut with deformities and his ears were grown over the same way. There was an exception of one ear that he could partially hear some sort of sound.

He held a little plastic disposable cup between the two sawed off arms. He would rock back and forth hoping at the end of the day to have some sort of way to survive.

This dude got to know me. I would sit beside him, give him a gentle pat on the shoulder 2 times and say, “it’s the goofy girl again.” He would smile. :-) Then I would tell him I was putting some money in a pocket, so that no one would steel it out of his cup. I would then tell him the amount, so he knew what he had. Remember he couldn’t see. 

That smile of his burned through to what seems like the back of my eyes. Because I still see him to this day when I close them to fall asleep. I see how much we all have and how little many do not.

What if at every game we did a one-dollar collection per person? I would love to see the passion so many people have for their sport be shared with a cause. I know many people do. I know many give. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about people that are so selfish they just can’t see past their remote control.

I’m always talking about surrounding yourself with good people. Well I practice what I preach. I have THE most amazing friends, family and people I work with that anyone could dream of. I’m blessed. But it’s not all luck. You start to surround yourself with WHO you have become. Through years of mistakes, errors and corrections, I think I’m finally worthy of my Mötley Crüe!

I asked people on my social media pages and friends I have met along the way at shows to all give $5.00 to get a woman going through hard times a new TV. Remember domestic abuse comes in many shapes and forms. Sometimes the mental torment, belittling and someone’s over all words can be the most devastating. I met a woman getting out of a bad situation. She is leaving with nothing nothing. She has some necessities, but one thing she mentioned was a tv. Her husband wouldn’t give her any they had. I know this seems trivial to some people, but I know she loved her TV. And to some people getting out of yuck… that’s a much-needed escape. Listen to the things people ”need” around you. It’s not always what you think.

I had a ton of people come through and donate funds. Some I’ve never even met before. The power of just “trying” If we all just think of an idea, ask for help… if it’s a good idea, hell, even if it’s not, lol, people will come. They will support.

Think of UNCONVENTIONAL ways you can help peeps. It can start with ONE dollar. Give to the people who REALLY need it. Just open your eyes to it. Don’t judge. Just take a min to start really seeing what’s out there and think of creative ways to help. It will just add to my “Hypothesis!” Ha ha.

Thank you beautiful people who gave. Do you know how much I love you? Cause I do. A whole bunch! Muah!!!!!!

PS. I stopped in to surprise this cool chick with the TV you all bought her. Here is my #GoldyKnows way of delivering. She was pretty happy. And it's because of YOU!

Love your football! Love your sports! Love all of the things that make you happy. :-) Just remember though, the next time you make such an effort to get a fantasy football team together, that there are people in true REALITY, who could really use an extra helping hand. I’m just saying… I’m just saying… Lol.

Don’t crucify me for this post! Ha ha! I’m just trying out my HYPOTHASIS!

#YWCA #YWCANashville #GoldyKnows #GoldyLocksRocks #Ellen #GoldyLocksBand #JimmyFallon #HGTV #TLC #ChelseaLately

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Naked And Ranch Dressing

I was too lazy to get dressed after my shower. I sat down at my hotel desk to work. When I looked up at the “desk” mirror, lol, I just stopped and realized, you know? 
Women are so beautiful just how they are. Even me!

I love make up! I love getting all glammed and gussied. I live for heels taller than me. Dresses and bling make the world go around. But ladies, don’t forget, at the end of the day when it all comes off, it’s what’s inside you that truly makes you beautiful.

Start with a good heart and a shinny smile and I promise, you will reach every goal you set out to achieve.

We all have some “tweaking” to do. 
We can all stand to tighten and tone up some areas! 
I’m not saying not to. 
But I AM saying,
Look in the mirror and LOVE what you see. 
No matter what. :-)

Dudes! Make sure and COMPLIMENT your partner when the least expected. Get them climbing into bed, or when they aren't all dolled up. 
I PROMISE you... it goes a loooonnnnggggg way. ;-)

Goldy Knows. Muah! XXOO

PS. It really smells like ranch dressing in my hotel room. I spilled it all over myself and it stinks. I guess ranch dressing is beautiful too? But it really wreaks! Lol •  

#YWCA #YWCANashville #GoldyKnows #GoldyLocksRocks #Ellen #GoldyLocksBand #JimmyFallon #HGTV #TLC #ChelseaLately

Friday, August 29, 2014


When things need improving in your life you don’t necessarily need a BIG BUDGET to make some changes! Sometimes starting with YOU and what you can improve on is means enough for a change. Don’t be afraid to see the things you can get better at and make the time and dedication to CHANGE them!
Another thing we sometimes fail to see, or maybe don’t want to, are the people in which we surround ourselves with. They may be “convenient”, or “available” or live down the street, but that doesn’t mean they have to be your best friends.
Choose people who are good for you. Select the ones that build you up and support you. Also choose the ones who are honest, even if you don’t always like what they have to say. If they are GOOD friends they will tell you kindly and with constructive criticism. 
Keep people around who never leave you with “emotional hangovers” or like “you can do anything.” 
Want a 

Then choose 
XXOO • • •

#GoldyLocksRocks #GoldyKnows #TLC #HGTV #DIY #JimmyFallon #Ellen #ChelseaHandler

Monday, August 25, 2014

TV & a PUNCH In The Face

What if I took away your TV? Some of you would care, some would not. I don’t even have TV, cable… I use those hours to work on social media. But TV is an escape and release to some people who really need it.

Enter in… Kate.

I ran into Kate at a gym I frequent. Small, but trying to build muscle. She is one of those little frail skinny women you see around the way. She always looked at me, but when I smiled back, she’d look behind her as if I was smiling at someone else.

One day I just went up to her and said, I’m Goldy Locks. You sure are doing a great job here every time I see you. J She smiled and seemed almost embarrassed at the compliment.

I befriended Kate. And I made a big deal about her every time I saw her.  One day I invited her to lunch as I could clearly see she needed a friend. She was excited, and almost on accident blurted out, “I knew God put you in my life for a reason! Yu always make me feel so good!”

What the hell did I do? I just smile at the chick, compliment here when I see her. Big deal? Well apparently it was. The more this woman spoke the more visible it became she was in an abusive marriage. I cringed at the things she told me. But she was a new friend, and it wasn’t really my place…

Screw that. Since when do I EVER not make somewhere my “place.” I have the biggest mouth I’ve ever heard. Oh well, better do some good with it then.

The more she would tell me, the more I would offer to help. She went to counseling. No go. Finally the therapist just told her, get the hell out. That’s my cue. So I’ve helped encourage, plan, get her a job and now working on a place to live.

Her soon to be husband won’t give her anything. She’s not leaving on the best terms. And she will leave with nothing. She just wants and needs out. The crap she would tell me… I won’t go into details but it makes me sick to my stomach. And when you are “IN” this, it is thick, overwhelming and blinding. It usually takes an outside force to just keep telling you, “get out.” But “get out” and “I will help you.”

They have 6 TV’s. He won’t give her one. It’s something we all take for granted, but to this little beat up soul, it’s all she keeps talking about. “I wish I had a TV in where ever I end up…”

I won't go into details that could someday get her in any more trouble than she's in. But lets just say I was tempted to show up and throw it down. He told her not to text or talk to me any more. I had too many "ideas" that he didn't like. Yup, beating your wife with your hands or words just isn't a "good" idea for me. And I'm sure as hell going to let you know that. Don't like it? Guess what. I don't care. I do care about this precious woman though. If you knew her, you would too. Full of as much joy as she can muster and always speaking of her love for the Lord... amazing how people in dire straits can somehow always find something positive to talk about.

I have lot’s of people who are kind enough to follow, pay attention to my “shtuff…” If you are reading now, and have any ideas on where I can get a new, not to big flat screen TV, contact me. I’d give her mine if I had one. And if I could just go out and buy one I would. But so many times I have people who will work for a company that has a “second” or something they are getting rid of. So I put it out into the universe that I’m looking for a nice new TV for Kate. I want to bring it by her work with a big bow and just let her know people care.

Someone somewhere will have a contact or connection, and that’s what I’m looking for. I may not have all the money… yet… to do what I want to, but I do have a pretty damn big mouth… and I’m using it tonight. ;-)

Please check out my Goldy Knows Episode II that is dedicated to preventing domestic violence. It’s a very important platform for me. Peace

#GoldyKnows XXOO

#GoldyLocksRocks #GoldyLocks #GoldyLocksBand #YWCA #YWCANashville #DomesticViolence 

Monday, August 11, 2014

My Knight In Shinning Armor.

I think every chick dreams about being somewhere at the right place, right time… and having a someone sweep her off her feet. Don’t lie. You know you have. :-)

We all have some preconceived notion of what they will look like, how it all will go down. Everyone has fantasized about being at work and having their dream person just “show up”. Having it all play out like in the movies.

I play a lot of places. I travel a ton. I get a big kick out of people saying, “It must be so tempting on the road…” Sure. After a 4 hour show of sweating my a$$ off the first thing that comes to mind after loading out a smelly smoky venue is taking that guy who’s been drinking all night back to my hotel… Yes. This is the FIRST thing on my mind. Lol. Honestly, it never happens. I’m shot. I’m spent. I’m so not Rock N Roll. Ha ha ha.

A few weeks ago in Evansville Indiana a very cute man sat at a table watching me load in. I didn’t think much of it. I always greet the crowd and people just as soon as I set up and get situated. So I knew I would eventually speak to him. But he beat me to it. “I’ve been a fan for a long time Goldy Locks” he said. I scoffed, as I hate that pretentious word. Lol. I said “friend.” Let’s just use that. If you come to my show, you are more of a friend than a fan. Say “supporter” or anything but fan. Elvis had “fans…”

He said he knew me from years ago in MN. And he’d been following me through the years. He had this show on his calendar for several months and drove a really long way. “I” was blown away. What a beautiful and precious man. He was full of smiles, energy and love. It was such an honor to have him there.

When the dance floor was empty I jumped off stage to kind of “get the party started”. Not more than 2 seconds later. My friend was right there behind me on the dance floor and didn’t care what anyone thought.

What a beautiful night for “me” that Friday night. So many times I’ve been waiting, hoping some man would just show up and be “that guy”. Well this one was already in a long-term relationship. Happy. And I was happy for him. But how wonderful I got a chance to feel like that Cinderella for one night.

Thank you Joe for taking time out of your busy and important day to come see me. Thank you for reminding me of all the music I’ve put out over the years, videos and projects. Thank you for the hugs and for being an amazing person all these years. You made my year.

The next time you are “wanting” something, remember it can come in all shapes, sizes, people and scenarios. I got my Knight In Shinning Armor, just not in the package I expected. ;-)

See the good, see the beauty in EVERY experience you have.

#GoldyKnows • • • • • •

#GoldyKnows #GoldyLocksRocks #GoldyLocks #GoldyLocksBand #Ellen #ChelseaLately #ChelseaHandler #JimmyFallon #KcsTimeoutLounge