Monday, February 15, 2016

When I Hate Myself | Goldy Locks | Goldy Knows

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There's moments during the day and the week where I actually hate myself. I reflect back to several times that still haunt me. And I use those hunting as a way to push myself to become a better person. 

Up until recently there were only three incidents throughout my life that I think about. 
But last night a new one was added to the list. 
While I'm disappointed in myself for my actions, I'm hell bent on being better next time.


#1. A child at the library was entered in a contest. I had a chance to rig the drawing for a girl with cerebral palsy. I was jealous of the attention she's got. Everyone fussed over her. I was young I didn't understand. But when I reached in the hat to draw name and saw hers clearly written on a piece of paper folded loosely in half, I decided to choose another just so she did not win. I suck.
This haunts me to this day. I wish I could go back in time but I can't. 
All I can do now is to a better.
#2. I was Annie. It was a huge stage production and had lots of press and people coming to visit me at the shows. I was a BIG deal and I knew it. I remember specifically after one show someone requesting me to sign autographs but I was too busy and too tired I thought. 

For the love of God I was nine. How important could I have really been? I remember getting into a limousine and heading off as I saw a little girl again in a wheelchair waiting with a sad expression on her face because she did not get a chance to meet her idol, quote Annie. Who wasn't even me. I was just an actress playing the role. As we drove away even as a little girl I felt like a complete ass hole and that also haunts me also to this day.

#3. Last night I add a new incident to my list. I thought about it all morning and I'm just so disappointed with myself. We played a show where lots of people were intoxicated as usual, & I was just over the whole thing. I don't drink alcohol and part of the reason is I see what it does to people, couples, friendships, and families. I see it every week and it actually destroyed a lot of people I know. Sorry I have a bad taste in my mouth about the booze.

A man who was being arrested naked rolling around in the parking lot dirt was cursing and swearing at many officers just trying to secure him and get him from flailing about and into the squad car. He was just a joke. 

It was messy and ugly and about as dark as life takes you. On the sidelines with the girlfriend in hysterics. I guess for valentines day was ruined. I looked at her as pathetic for being with such a weak man. The whole thing was just disgusting. She couldn't find her keys she was crawling around on the ground and instead of taking time to help her, when I was finished with the show, I just shunned her and ignored her.

She was intoxicated and in hysterics and I should have been the calm after the storm for her. Maybe even a hug or a kind word could have helped. While I was not in the position to drive her home to wherever she needed to go, kindness always wins. 
I took this one up as another failure but also as a lesson.

Last night was a great opportunity. I had a chance to play with my dear friends and for a crowd of many people. That was a beautiful memory. People don't know I had to pay to play, to cover expenses and make sure my guys got something. 
I didn't come out ahead financially. But I did in my heart though.

Today a man in a wheelchair sat at the corner selling papers. We all have seen it. And frankly some of these people make a lot of money and are just fine financially. They just know people will stop and give the money and not even take the paper. Later on sometimes you'll see them across the street into a parking lot and get into a pretty nice car. 
This happens this is life. But you can't think that about everybody.

It's 20 degrees and snowing outside. It's just freezing and yucky. In this man sat in a wheelchair with his papers getting wet and drenched. His face is mangled, worn and tired. So I just pulled over and rounded up anything left that I had. Per usual this guy was so appreciative. We can all scrounge up something to give someone who really needs it.

None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. But I believe truly the only mistake that can be made is when you don't learn from what you've done wrong. So just remember a little spare change, a hug or a smile can mean the world to someone. 
It can not only change their day but their life.

These are my words for the day. 
I'm not going to say I will try to be a better person, I just will be one. 
After all, #GoldyKnows

PS. I just wanted to add, for those of you who don't understand what are law enforcement officers have to go through, you should shadow them for a day. There's not a chance in hell I could have ever done their job last night nor would I have wanted to. A lot of these men and women are not paid what they should be paid. They truly do it because they have a calling. So just remember to start seeing concentrating on the good a lot of people actually do to keep our country in order. Without them it would be basically last night x a million. And I'd move to the forest! By myself if that ever happens!



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